Shepp Whump
by theicemenace
Summary: This is a Shepp Whump with a twist. Stay tuned for revoltin' developments...
1. It

**A/N:** Yup, this is a Shepp whump. Hopefully, I can do justice to the genre. It was Beta-ed by LoneRanger who ironically, laughed his _ass_ off. But then, he's delusional, the crazy Canadian.

_Gracias_,

Sandy

**Chapter 1**

**IT**

John hacked his way through the thick tropical jungle of M53-DF6 with Rodney immediately behind, Teyla in the middle, and Lorne on their six. Teyla yelped when Rodney let a branch go smacking her in the face. She didn't bother to complain because it wouldn't have done any good. It was probably an accident and even if it wasn't, he wouldn't admit it or even understand _why_ she was upset so…she kept quiet and vowed to be in front of the physicist on the return trip. She heard a snort and turned to see Lorne grinning at her. She gave him her best death glare, he chuckled and it made her smile ruefully back.

Moments later, a long green leaf slapped Rodney in the face showering him with water. "Hey! Watch it!" he shouted.

Sheppard turned around and gave him an innocent smile. The spark of humor in his eyes gave away that he'd done it on purpose. "Just showing you how it feels."

The physicist was wiping moisture from his face with his sleeves. "What are you _talking_ about?"

Teyla broke in. "Never mind, John. It doesn't matter."

"Yes, it _does_." Almost to himself, he said, "I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat veggies…but I'm willing to make an exception." He hacked at the leaves and branches as he said this then scowled over his shoulder at the physicist. "What's the scanner say?"

Rodney rolled his eyes, ignoring his friend and brushed a hand through his hair to dislodge a few leaves that had stuck there. He took out his scanner and made another sweep of the area. "Again, nothing. Aside from that strange non-localized energy signature, it's just plants, trees and…" he ducked as a branch whipped over his head, "…more nothing as far as the eye can see…which isn't far. Whose idea was this anyway?"

"Woolsey's. Wanted us to check it out first hand. According to the MALP it's not in any one location."

"That's what non-localized _means_. And we didn't detect _anything_ indicative of advance technology _anywhere_ on this planet so naturally that means we have to tromp through a hot and humid _jungle_ just to make _absolutely_ certain it wasn't wrong." His sarcasm was almost as thick as the humidity. "Couldn't you have just had those Marines of yours cut us a path so we could use a Jumper?"

"No, we couldn't, Rodney. They have better things to do than make life easier for _you_." John paused a few heartbeats then added, "It's Bublanina night in the Mess Hall. Two flavors, cherry and blueberry."

Rodney snorted and lapsed into silence. Well, silence for him. He continued to scan and enter information into his computer while mumbling to himself. Something about sleeping better knowing there weren't any crystals growing out of the trees.

Lorne muttered something under his breath and Teyla snickered. When Rodney and John turned around, they looked back innocently then shared a smile before turning forward again. Not for the first time since they'd arrived on this tropical hell of a planet Lorne wished that Ronon hadn't gone off on a mission to check out a report of what could have been more of his people.

John gave a yelp as he tripped over a large root that crossed in front of him. He could have sworn it hadn't been there before. The others tittered as he climbed to his feet and brushed the dirt from his hands and his pants. With an annoyed gesture he picked up the machete and started forward again, hacking and cutting with impunity. He wacked off the blooms of a stand of flowers just for the heck of it then chopped through a thick vine that seemed to have appeared out of nowhere.

* * * * *

After what seemed like forever, they came to a clearing and John called a halt so they could rest, drink and have a snack. They took turns walking the perimeter of the rest area keeping watch.

Lorne peered into the dimness of the jungle then looked over his shoulder at his companions. Sheppard poured water on a towel then rubbed it around his neck, over his face and under the front collar of his BDU. Rodney was munching on his second power bar while he analyzed the data he'd collected and Teyla finished off a bottle of water. She took her jacket off and tied it around her waist leaving her arms and a few inches of midriff bare. Lorne spared her a glance then looked away so she wouldn't think he was staring. He _was_ human, but those thoughts weren't the kind of thing to think about now. Turning his back to the forest he sighed while casually cradling his weapon in both hands.

Out in the jungle, unseen by the first humans ever to set foot on the planet, things were happening. Leaves rustled when there was no wind. Vines crept along the path, over and around branches and through the undergrowth at a greatly accelerated rate. No one would be able to mistake the movement for natural growth. Flowers turned in a new direction facing the strange sounds suddenly in their midst.

A rustling sound that was similar yet subtly different from what they'd come to think of as the "normal" sounds startled the Atlanteans. Lorne spun around, weapon raised, all casualness gone. The others followed suit.

"What was that?" Rodney asked with eyes wide.

John shushed him as he, Teyla and Rodney came to stand behind Lorne, each facing in a different direction, all senses on alert. They waited, watching and listening to something move through the trees and rustling the grass. The sound stopped and they waited. A small animal shot across the clearing and scampered up a tree then was gone. The group slowly relaxed giving each other wry smiles.

"Come on. Let's get this over with." John gestured and they headed out again.

An hour or so later they stopped again at Rodney's insistence. John excused himself and moved off into the jungle until he was certain he couldn't be seen. He laid his P-90 on a rock, close enough to grab if something happened while he was doing what he came to do. The relative silence of the jungle was interrupted by the rasping sound of a zipper then a jet of liquid hit the ground making a large puddle.

John sighed in relief as his bladder emptied itself in a long steady stream. When he finished, he zipped up, used hand sanitizer and had just picked up his weapon when he heard a wordless cry of anger then felt a sharp pain in his right butt cheek.

**TBC**


	2. All

**Chapter 2**

**ALL**

"Sonofa…Argh!" John spun around firing automatically, the bullets ripping through the foliage around him at a rate of 900 rounds a minute. The sounds faded then everything was still again just as his companions came running.

Lorne arrived seconds ahead of the others, all trace of humor and boredom gone, his weapon ready and adrenaline level high. "Sir! What happened?"

The Colonel grimaced in pain and hopped around on his left leg. They could see a hole in his pants over his right butt cheek. "Something _bit me_!"

Rodney lowered his weapon and snorted in irritation. "_Again_? What is it with you getting _ass_ wounds?"

John's exasperation was even higher than his friend's. "I don't _know_! It just…_happens_." He turned his back on them. "Will someone have a look? If feels like there's something stuck in it."

Rodney, Lorne and Teyla exchanged looks but none stepped forward to assist. Silently they each stuck a fist out as Lorne counted to three. Rodney and Lorne each showed a flat hand indicating they'd chosen paper while Teyla had made a rock. With a sigh of resignation, she unclipped her weapon and handed it to Rodney. "I will examine your injury, John. Bend over so I can see it better." With gentle touches, she pulled the material of his BDU pants and boxers aside. Underneath she found what looked like a thorn stuck in the middle of a reddened area. "There is something here, John, but I don't know if we should remove it."

"Well, do _something_ because it hurts like_ hell_!"

Teyla looked up when Lorne handed her a field first aid kit, smiling her thanks. "I will remove the object but we'll keep it to show to Doctor Keller when we return."

"Fine. Just get _on_ with it."

Working quietly and with calm efficiency, the Athosian pulled out a pair of tweezers and used them to pluck the thorn from John's glute. He winced in pain as she dropped it into a small vial and replaced the lid. "Uh, John, before I can continue, you will need to…"

"What?" When she didn't continue he looked over his shoulder at her and huffed.

She pursed her lips in mild humor. "I believe the saying is…drop 'em and assume the position."

Sheppard didn't even pretend not to understand. He just sighed heavily then shot a warning at Rodney and Lorne when he heard snorts of stifled amusement from them. "You know, in some cultures, this would mean that we're 'engaged.'" Sheppard could feel Teyla's shoulders shrug from behind him so he added, "Not in yours, obviously." With every discernable eye on him, Sheppard sighed and relented. With only a slight hesitation he unbuckled his belt, popped the snap and lowered the zipper before dropping his pants until his backside was completely exposed.

Because this was not a position she'd ever expected to be in, Teyla quickly cleansed the area and covered it with a gauze bandage. "All done."

Sheppard yanked his pants up, fastened everything, and reached for his P-90 but it was gone. "Hey, where's my weapon?"

"Sir?"

"My P-90. It's gone."

"Ooh! Not good." Rodney said as Lorne began looking around at the jungle warily.

The Colonel searched around the rock he'd laid it on but still found nothing. "This wasn't funny a few minutes ago and it's even _less_ funny now."

"_We_ didn't do anything with it." Rodney told him after exchanging shrugs with Teyla.

John looked at their faces trying to gauge their sincerity. They were all genuinely baffled by his missing weapon. "Search the area. It has to be here somewhere."

The group spread out and began a methodical search of the area immediately around where John had been standing when he was injured. A few minutes later Rodney gave a shout. When the others joined him he held up what had once been a compact, lightweight and powerful weapon. Now it was mangled beyond redemption.

"The magazine's gone too, sir." Lorne observed after examining the spot where Rodney had found the pieces.

"Now this _really_ isn't funny." John said unnecessarily as they watched the jungle warily. "I don't know what's going on but we're getting out of here _now!_"

No one argued, they just fell into step with John once again in the lead but this time it was so he could set the pace. He managed a fairly good speed considering. The military man didn't scare easily but he was more than a little disturbed by what had happened. A P-90 had a polymer and alloy-base construction that made it light-weight and sturdy but some_one_ or some_thing_ they hadn't seen had twisted and snapped it to pieces like warm taffy.

Not to mention that his ass no longer hurt. It had gone numb which bothered him more than the initial wound. He was starting to feel warm, too. Much warmer than he'd been since they stepped out of the 'gate more than three hours ago.

Less than a klick from the Stargate, John's limp had become more pronounced until he was barely able to walk. Rodney supported him while Lorne and Teyla kept a watchful eye on their surroundings. By the time they got to the 'gate Rodney was taking most of John's weight.

Lorne supported his superior with a hand gripping his arm while Rodney hurried forward to dial the DHD. John collapsed taking Lorne down with him and lay there moaning in pain until his SIC could untangle himself. Teyla was at their side in an instant. "Hurry, Rodney! He has a fever and is trembling."

Teyla and Lorne helped John sit on the remains of a stone slab near the periphery of the area surrounding the Stargate. He lay down on his left side while Lorne and Teyla watched the jungle suspiciously.

"Going, going…done!" The wormhole whooshed out and back, Rodney sent his IDC then touched his headset. "This is McKay. Colonel Sheppard's been injured. We need a medical team with full quarantine protocols!"

**TBC**


	3. Started

**Chapter 3**

**STARTED**

Rodney, Teyla and Lorne were grouped protectively around John and turned when the dialing sequence began. Seconds later, Carson and several medics came through with a stretcher and enough medical equipment to handle a small village. The four were given quick exams and helped into hazmat suits then John was strapped to the stretcher amid protests. Before sealing the suit, Carson inserted a needle into John's arm giving him a mild sedative. The military man started feeling better almost immediately. EEG and heart monitors were also attached, the suit was sealed then two burly medics lifted the stretcher over the single step and preceded the others. Rodney was the last through accompanied by another medic.

* * * * *

Rodney, Teyla and Lorne were taken to an isolation room across the hall from the main observation room, the physicist complaining long and loud.

Finally, Lorne couldn't take it anymore. "Cut it out, McKay! We're all in this together so just get over it." The Major told him with annoyance, eyebrows drawn together as he paced from one side of the room to another flexing his hands as if readying for a fight.

"And what if I don't _want_ to get over it, Major?" The physicist crossed his arms stubbornly.

"Then I'll stuff you in that locker." The usually even tempered Major pointed to a door in the corner of the room.

Rodney laughed humorlessly. "Yeah, like _that_ scares me. I spent most of grade 7 being stuffed into a locker, sometimes twice a day, as punishment for being the smart kid."

Lorne came to stand in front of the physicist. "That's probably _not_ the reason. We've only been here five minutes and _I'm_ getting the urge."

"Stop this now!" Teyla pushed between them. "Fighting amongst ourselves will only make our situation worse."

Rodney snorted and started pacing himself then went to the medical workstation in the corner. A few minutes later he'd hacked into his own workstation and began working on his report for this last mission. This was all Sheppard's fault again and he'd make certain that Woolsey knew it. The report was nearly done when he relented and changed it to a more objective view of the events that had landed them in isolation yet again.

* * * * *

"So, Doc, what's the verdict?" Sheppard was in main isolation lying face down on a bed and wearing a hospital gown. He'd be in scrubs except for the fact that his problem was in a delicate place that necessitated him removing all clothing from the waist down. On the upside, he was in no pain at the moment.

Jennifer was tapping at the workstation, going over the results of several tests that had been run on the Air Force Colonel since his return. "Well, John, we're not completely sure what it is, how to treat it, how long you'll have it or how big it will grow." Turning back to him, she pulled back the sheet to expose the injured area. In the middle of his butt cheek was a wart-like lump. Picking up a magnifying headlamp she attached it to the front of her hazmat suit. "It's grown a little since you've been back. Up to three millimeters now."

"Perfect!" He muttered with heavy sarcasm. "It hurt like hell before. Why doesn't it now?"

"Well, the tox screen shows you have a large amount of methylsulphonylmethane in your system. It's spread throughout your entire body but the largest concentration is in your glute."

"What's methyl-whatsis?"

"MSM is a naturally-occurring sulfur compound, a powerful painkiller with anti-inflammatory, anti-spasmodic and analgesic properties. It inhibits the transmission of pain impulses. The plant injected it at the point of contact." She drew his attention to the monitor. "The thorn Teyla removed was similar to the ones that grow on some citrus plants on Earth. There are traces of citric acid in it." Her voice took on a grave tone. "It's a good thing Rodney didn't get stung or he'd be dead by now."

"Well, thank goodness for small favors." The Colonel let his head sag back to the bed. "Can I at least _sit_?"

"Until we know more, you shouldn't disturb the area so no, no sitting."

"This _sucks_!"

"Sorry. Doctor's orders." She put her equipment away then entered notes in his patient file and headed for the door. "I'll order you a tray. What would you like?"

With a growl of frustration he said, "How about a salad? A really _big_ one."

* * * * *

Less than an hour later Jennifer returned to advise John that he and his injury were not contagious and to have him moved to the ward. He asked to stay in isolation because the situation had already engendered much teasing and laughter among his friends and colleagues. The medical doctor smiled indulgently as she directed a pair of medics to move him. He propped his head on his hand and scowled.

Out in the hall John met up with Lorne, Teyla and Rodney coming out of the auxiliary isolation room. Now that his companions had been released from isolation they'd regained their former good humor and exchanged amused glances.

Lorne looked like he was biting his tongue to keep from saying anything but Rodney didn't even try. "Kinda reminds me when I got an arrow in the ass. I thought that would be…the end."

Before he could stop it, Lorne said, "Well, in _hind_sight, I can see how you would think that."

To which Teyla pursed her lips and replied, "If you will excuse me. I need to complete a few mission reports. I'm a little…behind."

John growled and said, "Get off my ass!" as he was rolled out of sight around the corner,

When he was gone, Rodney said, "You know, he's very cleverly disguised as a responsible adult."

"Yeah, well, that 'responsible adult' can have me court-martialed."

Teyla touched the Major on the arm. "You are an invaluable member of this expedition, Evan. John would not do that." He accepted her assessment with a smile of gratitude and they parted at the next junction. Friends they might be but they all needed a little alone time.

* * * * *

Back on the planet, the plants were busy repairing the damage inflicted by the strangers. The path the Atlanteans had cut through the jungle disappeared. Within hours of them leaving there was no longer any sign that they'd been there and steps were being taken to ensure that they would not be able to return. Vines, flowering and climbing, crept toward the Stargate twining themselves all around the giant ring and the DHD until they could no longer be seen.

**TBC**


	4. With

**Chapter 4**

**WITH**

**A Few Hours Later**

"Hello-oo! Anybody there? You forgot to give me the call button thingy." When he received no answer John flopped face down on the bed groaning in frustration. He heard footsteps but didn't bother to look up. "Finally! Do you have any idea how bad I gotta _pee_?"

"Don't think I'm qualified to help."

John's head snapped up to see Rodney standing beside the bed. The physicist was looking at the injured area covered by a sheet as if he could see through the material. "Stop starin' at my _ass_!"

Rodney jerked his head around to face John who was looking at him over his shoulder, eyebrows drawn together in annoyance. "I wasn't…it's just that, well, it, uh…that is…"

"Never mind. I need to go to the 'ladies room' before my bladder explodes."

"That's not a good idea."

"Just let down the bar so I can go to the damn bathroom!" When his friend made no move he growled deep in his throat. "You can go with me and wait outside, whatever. I just need to go _now_!"

Rodney took pity on his friend's predicament and relented. "Okay, but isn't that what got you in trouble in the first place?"

John scowled as Rodney let the rail down. He took off the nasal cannula and slid both feet over the side of the bed while holding the back of his gown together.

"Seen it!" Rodney said with a smirk. John aimed an oath over his shoulder at his friend. "Ugh! Do you _eat_ with that mouth?"

The wireless EEG contacts on his temples and heart monitor peeking out the front of his gown blinked steady rhythms sending information to the monitor above his head. His bare feet touched the floor for the first time in hours while he used his other hand to push himself upright. A wave of dizziness came over him. "Whoa!"

"I _knew_ this would happen. Get back in bed!" Rodney tried not to look or sound scared and must have succeeded because John was still irate.

"No! I'm fine. Let's just go before they come back."

Rodney sighed then took John by the arm with one hand and the IV with the other. John took one step and his knees almost buckled. Only his friend's hand on his arm and his own hand still on the bed kept him from falling.

John took a deep breath, willing his legs to work. He managed one more step and pitched forward, Rodney catching him under the arms and pulling him back onto the bed. "John!" The physicist kept one hand on his friend while alarms split the quiet of the Infirmary and added his voice. "Jennifer! Carson! Hurry!"

Jennifer, Carson and two medics arrived at a run. "Colonel Sheppard…" Jennifer said reproachfully, "…I told you not to get out of bed without help."

"_Rodney_ was helping me but that doesn't matter."

"Why?"

"Because I can't move my right leg." The medics put John back onto the bed and got him covered again.

"Where were you going?"

With a heavy sigh, he whispered so only she could hear and Jennifer nodded understanding. By this time, a pair of nurses arrived to assist and John was handed a strangely shaped bottle. A few minutes later he sighed in relief as the pressure in his bladder eased. He handed the bottle to one of the nurses, whispered to her, she nodded then handed him a second bottle.

* * * * *

Carson and Jennifer stared at the screen examining the most recent round of tests. They talked back and forth in that special language reserved for the medical profession but John only understood bits and pieces like _paralysis_, _neurological_ _damage, temporary _and_ permanent?_

Using willpower alone, he was able to move his left leg and flex his toes. He hadn't been able to move his right leg from the hip down in over an hour no matter how hard he concentrated. _This is worse than when that bug bit me! At least then I was unconscious most of the time._ He could still _feel_ the paralyzed areas and it wasn't a pleasant sensation, like thousands of insects crawling on his skin. _Crap! When this is over, I'm going down there with the biggest barrel of herbicide I can find and giant lawn mower!_

Jennifer checked his vitals one more time while Carson excused himself to go off on some unknown quest. She turned back to the workstation and was soon absorbed in research again.

John finished his meal then reached for his drink which he downed in one gulp. It hit his system immediately taking his breath away. His respiration and pulse leapt in reaction. Overtaken by a sudden overwhelming compulsion, he tossed back the covers.

"John! What're you doing?"

"Thought I'd go for a walk."

"But you can't move your leg, remember?"

"Oh. Yeah. Right." He lay back on the pillow looking up at the ceiling and let Jennifer pull the covers up to his chest again.

"Now stay put." She said firmly then left in Carson's wake.

When she was out of sight, he gave her another ten seconds then rolled the table away. He tried to relax so the monitor's alarms wouldn't go off but his thoughts began churning and the crawling insect feeling on his skin got worse making him groan then just as suddenly, it stopped.

His legs start shifting restlessly-they'd finally allowed him to lie on his back-and that's when he realized he could now move his right leg again. In fact, he really, _really_ had to move. Walk, jog, run, sprint, _anything_, before he went crazy!

John tossed back the covers, reached over and let the rail down then slung his legs over the side. Taking a deep breath he let his feet touch the floor then pushed himself to standing. He reached into the bedside cabinet drawer, got out gauze and tape then removed the IV, applying pressure to the spot on the back of his hand. After replacing the first piece of gauze with a fresh one, he taped it down then took his clothes from the bottom of the cabinet and dressed quickly, just pants, t-shirt, socks and shoes. The rest he left behind as he strode quickly from the Infirmary. He still had the wireless monitors attached and removing them would set off alarms so he left them in place. Didn't matter. He just had to _move_ or he'd literally jump out of his skin. Taking off at a gentle jog, he made his way to the stairs.

**More Than an Hour Later**

Jennifer had her head bent over a microscope when Marie rushed in. "Doctor Keller, Colonel Sheppard's gone!"

"Gone?"

"Yes. He's removed his IV and left the ward." The dark-haired woman's brow was drawn together in a combination of worry and pique. "I called but got no response. He either doesn't have his radio or he's turned it off."

Jennifer removed her gloves and tapped her own headset. "Colonel Sheppard, return to the Infirmary!" She paused a few seconds. "Colonel Sheppard, this Keller. _Please_ respond." This time she didn't wait for a reply as she rushed toward the exit, tapping her headset again. "Keller to Major Lorne. Colonel Sheppard is missing. Find him and return him to the Infirmary immediately!"

* * * * *

John left the Infirmary, ran up the stairs to the top of the central tower, down to the bottom then back to the barracks level. He changed his clothes then went to the gym and ran on the treadmill. His finger kept pressing the speed button until he was running at 7.8, much faster than his usual 6.3. Sweat was running down his face and soaking his clothes but still he ran.

**TBC**


	5. A

**Chapter 5**

**A**

"…stunners only. Don't shoot unless he aggressively resists and on the lowest setting possible." Major Lorne caught the eye of each man and woman. "Okay, let's move out!" The room quickly emptied. A double squad of Marines was already guarding Ops just in case.

Lorne sensed the tension coming from the others as he and his team used a transporter to go to their assigned search area. He did nothing to alleviate that tension as it would keep them focused and aware of their surroundings. Sheppard was as formidable opponent at hand-to-hand as he was with a weapon and the Major didn't want anyone to get hurt, least of all, their commanding officer. If anyone did get injured because of him, Sheppard would beat himself up over it. He'd seen it happen more than once and would go to great lengths to prevent it if he could.

* * * * *

Eventually John got bored with running so he got out the jump rope and did about a thousand jumps though he couldn't be sure because he lost count when he heard someone come in the room. No one was there when he turned around but he could have sworn…he shrugged and went to the equipment locker and took out a quarterstaff. After a few practice swings he put it back then went to the punching bag and beat on it for a while.

It occurred to him to wonder where all this extra energy had come from but then another adrenalin surge set him off again and he went back to beating on the hanging bag. He stopped and thought about going for water but didn't want Keller or Beckett to catch him until he could work off more of this energy. They'd probably tie him to the bed or something even more humiliating.

* * * * *

Teyla carried her Bantos rods with her when she got the call to help in the search for John. She clutched them in one hand as she searched all the rooms on the gym level one at a time. She found several civilians doing a variety of workouts. In one room she even found a couple making out. They didn't hear the door open so she quietly backed out and let it close again.

Next was the main workout room. As she approached she could hear the crashing of Bantos rods but a single set. Holding her rods behind her, she cautiously approached the door until it opened. She saw John performing a routine that she'd shown him long ago but now he was adding his own elements to it.

Teyla watched as he swung then ducked and rolled coming up on one knee with the rods crossed as if stopping an overhead strike. He came to his feet then chased the imaginary opponent around the treadmills and stationary bikes. She softly called his name but he didn't seem to hear her so she called louder.

"John!"

"Oh, hey." He gave her his most charming smile. "You up for a session? _I've_ been practicing."

She came fully into the room, her eyes wary as she watched him pace restlessly back and forth like a caged animal while twirling his Bantos rods. "Didn't you hear the page? Doctors Keller and Beckett are looking for you."

"Yeah, I heard it but I really need to work off this excess energy." He turned away from her, his eyes searching the shadows. "Who's there?"

Teyla looked over his shoulder but saw nothing. "Who are you talking to?"

"Not sure. I keep hearing someone call my name but there's never anyone there."

She put a hand on his shoulder, speaking gently, "You must come with me, John."

He turned to face her. "Nononono! Not yet!" Waving a hand next to his head he walked around her back to the open sparring area. "I really just need to…"

"You are not well. You must return to the Infirmary."

John began swinging the Bantos rods again. "I know what this is. You're afraid I'll beat you this time."

"Are you _challenging_ me?"

"Yeah. What d'ya say? Best one out of one. Winner takes all." When he spoke, his words were rushed, nearly tripping over one another. "Comeoncomeoncome_on_!"

"Very well. I'll fight you but only if you promise that, regardless of the outcome, you will accompany me to the Infirmary afterwards."

"Okay, I promise. Now let's do it!"

John and Teyla took the ready position, nodded once to each other then Teyla immediately went on the offensive, swinging left and right so quickly her rods whooshed through the air, connecting solidly with John's. He countered every one of her swings easily. In fact, he wasn't even breathing hard though he was perspiring heavily. She didn't know if that was good or bad but they'd made a pact and she intended on following through.

Teyla saw an opportunity and slipped under his defenses and caught him on the side of his right knee. He didn't express pain or that he'd even felt the blow but she stopped anyway. "Did I hurt you?"

He looked down at the place of impact then back to her. "Naw. Barely even felt it."

"Do you wish to continue?"

"Unless you wanna forfeit." Teyla shook her head. "Then bring it on! So far it hasn't been much of a challenge."

"Then I will endeavor to make it one."

They continued their strange dance all around the room. After what she'd witnessed when she first arrived, Teyla was not surprised when he made a concerted effort to steer her into the exercise equipment in the corner. She obliged him and used it to her advantage by keeping at least one bike or treadmill between them at all times.

John heard the voice again. He cocked his head to the side and turned his back on Teyla as if he'd forgotten she was there. She used his distraction to slip around the bike to rap him soundly on the back of both knees, a move that had defeated him more than once in the past, but he spun around at the last second blocking her attack.

"Impressive."

He shrugged. "I seem to be able to do things I couldn't before."

"Before what?"

His face took on a confused expression. "Um, before…"

Once again, she used his distraction to swing and was again surprised when he leaped up to stand on the seat of the nearest bike, one foot on the handlebars. She swung both rods together hoping to knock him off balance but he was able to jump at the last second and she missed.

Now Teyla was facing to his left with her left shoulder pointed toward him. She reversed her swing and he leaped high in the air, flipped over and landed solidly on the mat behind her. Before she could turn, he grabbed her arm and dragged her out onto the open area.

Thrown off balance by the unexpected move she tried to regain her footing but was unable to. Suddenly, he gave her a shove and she spun around hitting the wall.

John stalked aggressively after her before she could mount a defense and pinned her to the wall with his rods across her throat. They were a little too tight and she could barely breathe but she didn't give him the satisfaction of conceding. Her mind brought forth another time when he'd been under the influence of the Wraith retrovirus and had done this same thing.

Apparently he too was remembering the same incident…and the kiss. To this day, he had no idea why he done it. She was his friend and teammate but that was as far as it had ever gone. Sure, he'd been attracted to her from the moment they'd met on Athos. He just never thought much about the two of them beyond that. He stepped back in embarrassment and let his arms fall to his sides.

"I, uh, guess that makes me today's big winner."

"Yes, it does." Teyla pushed off the wall and walked toward him as he toweled off his neck, face and chest. He passed her a towel and kept his eyes averted as she blotted at the perspiration on her face, neck and chest above the scooped neck of her leather-like top. "Now it's time for you to live up to your end of the deal and let me take you to the Infirmary."

"Hey, wait a minute. This is only the second time I've won against you. Can't you at least let me enjoy it for a few minutes?" He stowed the Bantos rods in one of the equipment lockers and headed for the door. "Come on. Let's go get a beer."

"John! You promised." She was using her "mom" voice.

"I know and we _will_ but I want a beer first."

"No. We don't know if the alcohol will react negatively to the chemicals now in your system. When you are cured, then we will celebrate."

"Okay." He finally agreed and they headed out together. As they walked, his footsteps slowed. He turned to look up and down the hall. "What do you _want_? Who's _calling _me?"

"John?"

Her look of concern bothered John. He hadn't felt this good in… "I thought I heard…etha thigh…" Suddenly he could no longer feel his tongue…or his face. "Weywa!"

"What is it? John, are you alright?"

"Weywa! Wee octor!" John slapped his cheeks but wasn't able to feel it. Using his fingers to shape his mouth, he said, "Dawctaw!"

"Doctor. You need a doctor?"

He nodded vigorously then stopped when it made him dizzy. His right hand reached for the wall beside the transporter just as the door opened. He missed and fell into the small room.

"John!" Teyla helped him to his feet again, tapped the screen and they were gone.

**TBC**


	6. Wart

**Chapter 6**

**WART**

"Now that we know it's not contagious, I'm authorizing a team to go back to the planet to get samples of the plant that injured Colonel Sheppard." Mr. Woolsey was telling Major Lorne as they headed for the Infirmary. They'd just gotten word that Sheppard had been brought in by Teyla. "And take Parrish and Kiang with you."

"But sir…" Lorne had dealt with Parrish before.

"They're the best astrobiologists on the expedition. And you'll need the best if we're to discover what happened."

"Yes, sir." The military SIC issued a silent long-suffering sigh then contacted his team and the astrobiologists. He'd check on Sheppard then they'd 'gate out.

* * * * *

Sheppard was in bed still in his workout clothes and slapping his face while a nurse reinserted his IV. A medic, a civilian who looked like he bench pressed small foreign cars for fun, replaced his wireless heart and EEG monitors with the regular ones so he wouldn't be able to run off again. At least not as easily. With a scowl, he kept trying to push the man's hands away.

"Woh way!" He said waving his free arm.

"I _can't_ go away, Colonel. Doctors Keller and Beckett's orders." With a growl, the Colonel relented, but not very agreeably.

"Ah, Colonel, how are you feeling?" Carson came to stand next to Sheppard's bed. At the moment Teyla was sitting quietly at his side offering comfort.

"Wowwee!"

The medical doctor laughed. "I'm sorry you feel lousy. Aside from the obvious, what other symptoms do y' have?"

"Wehwaye, womath hurth…" he scratched at his arms and legs, "…thin itheth."

"Well, we'll have you all fixed up in two shakes." Carson went to the medicine cabinet and pulled out several vials then picked up a hypospray. He inserted the first vial and touched it to Sheppard's right arm. Carson changed vials and repeated the process on the left arm.

"Aay! Thaa _hurth_!"

"Yes, I know." He put the hypospray aside. "Anything else bothering you?"

Sheppard rolled his eyes and pointed to his face. "Yeth! thy thun!"

"What's wrong with your tongue?"

"Ith tholleth 'nth nuth."

The Scot grinned. Out of the Colonel's sight, he prepared another hypospray but this particular med couldn't be injected in the arm. "Not to worry. I've just the thing." Carson signaled to the medic and nurse with a look and almost imperceptible nod. Without warning, the medic pulled the Colonel over onto his right side while the nurse yanked his pants down over his left side. Carson moved in quickly and pressed the hypospray against Sheppard's glute. *_pshht_!*

"OW! Thuh he-uh! _Thoth_ dath!" Sheppard rubbed his backside, rolled over onto his back again and gave the doctor one of those looks.

Carson seemed unconcerned that Sheppard might be plotting revenge. "By the way, lad, by runnin' away and not returning when summoned, you've proven to be a belligerent patient. It's forced me to take drastic measures to see to it that you stay put this time. I know you aren't yourself so Sonny here…" he pointed at the huge medic, "…will now be your constant companion." The doctor peeked out through the privacy curtains as Woolsey and Lorne approached. "Gentlemen, you are just in time. The Colonel will see you now." He pulled the curtain back with a flourish and gestured them in. Teyla gave them a smile and excused herself to give the men some privacy.

"I'll check on you later, John." She patted his arm.

"Thanth, Weywa." He turned is head side to side craning his neck. "Whoth thayuh? Thah cathin' me!"

* * * * *

Major Lorne, Lieutenant Stackhouse, Lieutenant Jason Nash, Sergeant Mehra, Gerald Parrish and Susan Kiang stepped out of the wormhole on M53-DF6. The vines that had grown around the Stargate and DHD disappeared in an instant. Lorne made note of the vines and branches that now covered the grassy area immediately surrounding the Stargate. They hadn't been there when they left but he didn't know what it meant, if anything.

Parrish and Kiang ran forward excitedly talking a mile a minute, mostly in Latin. The four soldiers watched the jungle warily while keeping an eye on the astrobiologists, especially Parrish who had a tendency to wander off, ignorant of what had transpired in their absence.

"Will you look at this! A _pyrostegia ignea_!" Parrish was examining a vine with a dense cluster of bright reddish-orange flowers 12-15 centimeters long. He clipped off a few blooms and tucked them into a zipper-topped bag then used a marking pen to notate the genus, species and location of the specimen. "The Flame Vine is native to Brazil and normally blooms in winter but it's obviously summer. Amazing!"

Everyone turned at a shout from Kiang, he soldiers tensing and bringing their weapons up. They relaxed when she said, "Gerald, look! _Bougainvillea spectabilis_! They're beautiful! And so _big_! Easily five_ times_ the size they grow on Earth." The blooms on these were purple, red, yellow and white. She took one of each as samples.

This went on for at least two hours, and the fact that they'd split up into two groups of three made it twice as bad. Lorne covered a yawn and checked in with the other group. So far they hadn't located a plant that had thorns like the one that had been taken from Sheppard's glute.

* * * * *

Gerald Parrish squatted in front of a plant with 10 centimeter-long leaves with shiny silver stripes on one side and rich purple on the other examining it closely. "_T__radescantia zebrine."_ He muttered as he touched the leaves, moving them around to test the strength and flexibility then began poking at the roots. A leaf flicked out and smacked him on the cheek making him yelp. He'd cried wolf so many times his escorts merely looked over at him though Stackhouse did ask, "What is it, Doc?"

Parrish rubbed his cheek then took out a small mirror. Turning his head side to side he said, "Nothing. I was just startled."

"You 'bout done here?"

Parrish huffed as he descended back into the botanical paradise. "We're not done until we find the plant that attacked Colonel Sheppard so you might as well relax. Looks like we're gonna be here a while, Lieutenant."

The soldiers exchanged a frustrated look and went back to patrolling the area. They now had their backs to Parrish and didn't see a bright green vine creeping along the ground under and around the other plants. One tendril wrapped itself around Parrish's left ankle seconds before others lashed out and grabbed his arms. Still others enveloped his entire head and upper body. Together, they dragged him toward the jungle.

* * * * *

He and the Colonel didn't know each other well but Richard Woolsey was concerned about the man's welfare though he tried not to show it. In his own way, the expedition commander had come as much to offer comfort as to impart information.

"Colonel, you look none the worse for your difficulties."

"Looths cath beh ditheethin'.

"True. Major Lorne has taken Parrish and Kiang with him to M53-DF6."

"Oh, thaa! Heth a hay ah the _ath_!" Sheppard kept wiggling his tongue around inside his mouth making it look like he was chewing a huge wad of gum.

"So I've been told." Uncharacteristically, he patted the Colonel on the shoulder. "I'm sure they'll find what they need and you'll be fine, Colonel."

To show he appreciated the gesture, Sheppard gave him a smile and nod. "Wereth HaThay?"

"Not sure. Want me to call him for you?"

"Nah. Cath I geth thuh watha?"

Woolsey poured him a cup of water from the pitcher on the bedside table and passed it to him. He didn't know if the straw would be useful so he just held it out. Sheppard shook his head, saluted him with the cup and took a cautious sip. "Did Doctor Beckett say how long this would last?"

Sheppard shook his head, took another drink and said, "Oh! Thoon, ayethy."

"Let's hope so." The balding man checked the time. "I have a conference call with the IOA in an hour that I need to prepare for. Would you like me to order you a meal?"

Sheppard shook his head again and Woolsey departed. Sonny returned and took a seat where he could work and watch his charge at the same time. Sheppard rolled his eyes and picked up the laptop that one of his friends was kind enough to bring him. Periodically he would lift his head as if he were listening, shrug then go back to what he was doing.

* * * * *

Nash heard grunting and figured the astrobiologist had found something he thought was immensely fascinating but would mean nothing to a young man raised as a military brat. He turned to see only Parrish's lower body visible. "Stack!"

The two men rushed forward and grabbed the astrobiologist's legs but he was jerked out of their grasp so hard they fell face first in the knee high grass.

"Stackhouse to Major Lorne. Parrish is gone!"

"_Dammit, Lieutenant, I told you to keep an eye on him!_"

"We _did_, sir. He was dragged into the jungle by, well, it looked like vines."

The radio clicked. "_Say again. I didn't copy._"

Nash activated his radio too. "We both saw it, sir. His entire body was wrapped in vines then they just…dragged him away. They were strong too, sir."

There was a pause then, "_Stay put! We'll rendezvous your position ASAP_!" In the background they could hear Kiang protesting loudly, Dusty shushed her then the radio cut off.

**TBC**


	7. On

**Chapter 7**

**ON**

Moments later the Atlanteans were all together and the Lieutenants confirmed their report, pointing out where Parrish had disappeared and the vines they'd seen take him. Lorne motioned Kiang forward but advised caution.

Kiang looked closely at the plants then unexpectedly chuckled. "How ironic."

"What is?" Lorne asked.

"This plant looks like a Wandering Jew." Kiang reached out to touch the plant but stepped back when instructed by Lorne. She waited for the laughter but all she got was blank stares. "Despite his name, Gerald is Jewish and he does have a tendency to…wander."

The Lieutenants laughed. "Enough! Mehra…"

Dusty sighed. "I know. Babysitting again, sir."

"No. You, Stackhouse and I will do a grid search of the general area while Nash takes Kiang back to the Stargate." He turned to Nash. "Do _not_ let her out of your sight. Call Atlantis and give them a SitRep."

"Yes, sir. Ma'am?" Nash gestured and Kiang reluctantly preceded him along the trail.

"You know, we still haven't found the plant that injured Sheppard. We really should keep looking…" Her voice faded as they moved out of hearing range.

Lorne took out a handheld scanner and called up map of the area that had been downloaded from Rodney's scanner. "Mehra, take this area, Stackhouse, here and I'll search there. We'll meet back here at…"

"Sir!" Dusty exclaimed pointing. All the plants around them seemed to swell and grow like a dry sponge dropped into water forcing the three soldiers to retreat.

"What the…hey!" Lorne jumped back when a heart-shaped leaf the size of a small dining table reared up and attempted to slap him in the face. More lifted up into the air attached to long stems as big around as broom handles, weaving back and forth like the heads of giant green cobras until they began to block out the sun. They forced the humans toward the path that Nash and Kiang had taken moving faster and faster. "Run!"

When they reached the Stargate, Nash and his charge were standing to one side of the giant ring unable to move because several types of stems and vines were menacing them. The group was herded together and a long tendril of innocuous-looking bright green vines with leaflets in groups of three rose up into the air. "They wouldn't let us dial, sir."

It was silly but Lorne could feel emotion coming from the vines. Not any emotion. This was unadulterated anger.

Now that he recognized it for what it was, he could sense it coming from all around them and desperately wanted to get back on even footing. He'd heard of people talking to plants before and thought it couldn't hurt to try. "We need to get our man back! We'll leave, but not until we're _all_ _together_." He spoke slowly and distinctly.

"They're _plants_, Evan! I don't think they can understand you!" Kiang huffed and snarked.

The vines continued to hang and sway about, pointing again towards the 'gate. Lorne finally got frustrated and whispered an oath. Out loud he said, "Hey! You! Vine!" He waved to get its attention. "WE…" he pointed to himself and the others then pointed to the 'gate, "…will go! But not until we…" he pointed to the group then out to the jungle again, "…get Parrish back!"

The vine hung in the air but whether it had understood or not was unknown. Lorne saw that it likely hadn't and turned to his team. "Oh, for heaven's sake. Mehra! Stack! Nash! Parade line!"

The Air Force soldiers took up formation and stood at attention. Lorne then looked to Kiang and sighed. "Susan, do me a favor. Stand shoulder width away from Mehra?"

Kiang looked at the soldiers, back to Lorne and shrugged. "Um, okay."

When she'd gotten into place, Lorne took a leadership position and began to point at the empty spot. "Parrish! Doctor Gerald PARRISH! We're missing him!" Pointing like a mad man at the empty spot then out into the forest and finally towards the 'gate, Lorne had quickly gone from his usual calm to something akin to a Hitchcock film. His eyes had gone wild, his teeth clenched to keep from screaming in frustration.

Stackhouse leaned over to Nash, Dusty leaning in to catch his whispered "I think the Major has a problem with vines."

Dusty shuddered slightly. "He's not the only one. I'm gettin' _seriously_ creeped out here and I grew up in the _country_."

* * * * *

John's right butt cheek hurt like hell forcing him to lie on his left side. Unfortunately, that was all he could feel from the middle of his hips down on both sides. The spot that had only been three centimeters before his escape from the Infirmary earlier was now nearly eight centimeters and had a textured surface. He had to keep fighting the urge to rub the area because it stung when he touched it. Pain meds might have helped but didn't ask for them because they made his mind fuzzy.

And he was thirsty. He reached for the glass on his bedside table, finished it off, poured another and finished that too. Now the pitcher was empty. Instead of using the call button he began pounding on the table. "Water! I need water!!" He jumped when Sonny stepped into his line of sight and snatched the pitcher out of his hand without a word. The medic returned shortly, slamming the pitcher down in front of John. "Thanks. You know, you got a lousy bedside manner." All he received was a grunt in reply.

"Hey. How's our number one patient?" Jennifer's voice sounded behind him.

John snorted. "I thought that was _Rodney_."

Though he couldn't see it, she pursed her lips in amusement. "Well, he's still my number one patient." She paused a beat, "But now he gets house calls."

"Oh. Right. So what's happening back there, Doc?"

"Let's have a look…" Jennifer carefully lifted the sheet, her hand flying to her mouth to keep from gasping out loud.

John's better-than-normal hearing must have picked up the tiny sound that did make it past her lips because he asked, "_What_?! What's wrong?" He reached back but she stopped him, her grip surprisingly strong.

"No!" She gestured Sonny over. "Go get Doctor Beckett! Hurry!"

"What's going _on_ back there?" His tone was the one he used when demanding answers from one of his soldiers but it had no effect on Jennifer.

"There's been a…change in your wound."

"What sort of…"

Carson arrived at that moment but didn't need to ask what the problem was. It was staring him in the face, so speak. "Oh, good _Lord_!" He turned to Sonny. "Come on. We need to get him to isolation immediately!" Jennifer had already disconnected the heart monitor and EEG leads and now followed the men as they pushed John's bed through the ward and down the hall to main isolation.

* * * * *

Lorne was still attempting to communicate their intentions to leave the planet but not without Parrish but the vines didn't seem to understand. No matter what he said or did they just kept pointing emphatically at the Stargate. He was so frustrated he began jumping around as if he were performing a distorted version of the River Dance.

The Lieutenants and Sergeant were doing their best not to laugh but Susan wasn't even trying. In fact, she thought him a fairly good dancer considering, and entertained the idea of asking him on a date when they returned to Atlantis and this situation with Colonel Sheppard was cleared up.

Nash leaned over and said, "Da-yam, can the Major bust a move or what!" At times like this his Southern upbringing was more noticeable.

Stackhouse finally gave up a grin. "Five years in Atlantis and _never_ thought I'd see something like this!"

Dusty's sense of fun overwhelmed her decorum. "Woo-hoo! You _go_, Major!"

Lorne rolled his eyes at the comments from his companions and thought, _Who knew those days in the 80's roller rink would come in handy!_

Apparently the vines were also suffering from frustration because tendrils came from the sides and wrapped around Lorne's wrists and waist to stop his contortions. "What? What's wrong? I'm _sorry_ we can't understand each other but…" The strands around his waist and one wrist unwound and he was dragged to the DHD by the remaining one. They released him, pointed to the DHD, at the others then at the Stargate. "Yes! Yes, we _get_ that you want us to leave but I'm trying to _tell_ you…"

The vine turned him to face his people still standing in the parade line. It indicated the blank spot illustrating the missing Parrish, pulled Susan, Nash, Stackhouse and Dusty over to stand next to Lorne, pointed again at that empty space and gave them all a shove in the direction of the 'gate. _Finally_, the Major got it. They _all_ got it!

Parrish was a hostage.

* * * * *

While John slept, tendrils of the vines protruding from his backside crept over to the workstation in the corner, booted it up then, using the knowledge it had taken from the Colonel's mind and those of the medical doctors, accessed the medical database. First it assimilated his medical records then the records of all the humans currently on Atlantis as well as that of humans in general. It went to the Ancient database and absorbed that as well. Once it was done, it continued navigating until it had accumulated all the knowledge within its systems. That done, it shut off the computer and returned back to drape itself once more over the bed that held the somnolent John Sheppard.

**TBC**


	8. My

**Chapter 8**

**MY**

John appeared to be asleep when Rodney entered the main isolation room. The lighting was dim, he could barely see and he understood that John was here not because he was contagious but as an attempt to halt the spread of whatever it was growing out of his backside. Even in the dark he was able to see strands of vines coming out the back of the gown and wrapping around the bedrails and IV stand. Some were even draped over the lone chair pulled up next to the bed. Here and there bright pink blossoms resembling small lilies sprouted as well as a few thorns.

Rodney removed the leaves, flowers and vines from the chair taking great care not to touch the thorns and pulled it around to where John was facing so he would know his friend was there when he woke up. He didn't know what he could do here but figured it couldn't hurt to at least visit.

Jennifer said he wasn't in a coma or paralyzed but didn't know if that situation would change or not. They'd turned off as much of the fluorescent and incandescent lights as they could and removed all access to natural light to help inhibit growth. It had been slowed but not halted completely and there was definitely no reversal. Jennifer and Carson spoke briefly about surgically removing it but scans showed the roots had infiltrated the muscles of his glute as well as latched onto his pelvic bone making it impossible to remove without permanently maiming Sheppard.

Rodney didn't know anything about botany so there was nothing he could do but give comfort. What he wouldn't have given now to have paid a little more attention to Katie Brown when she went on one of her sermons about the magnificence of some plant or another. With a sigh he started to leave but was stopped at the door by a voice that sounded as if the owner needed to gargle.

"Where you goin', Rodney? You just got here." John hadn't moved. He had his right arm draped over the bedrail and the sheet pulled up as far as it would go.

Rodney turned sheepishly and said, "Oh, uh, sorry. I thought you were asleep and didn't…"

"A little hard to sleep with a friggin' _plant_ growin' outta my ass." John's voice was a little bitter and obviously depressed.

Rodney resumed his seat so he could see John's face and John wouldn't have to strain to see him. The military man was difficult to scare but he could sense the fear John wouldn't show to even his friends. "I'm, uh, sorry about the, you know, ass jokes before. It's just…"

"'S'okay. I'da done the same thing." He shifted trying to get more comfortable but gave up. "Can I get some water? I'm _really_ thirsty."

"Jennifer said no water. It makes the, uh, whatever grow faster. And you do have to admit that it _is_ kinda funny, you know, considering how many times you been injured there." He waited for a snarky comment from his friend but he didn't appear to be listening, at least not to Rodney. It reminded him of when Jennifer had been infected with the Wraith Hiveship pathogen. "John?" Rodney was starting to get worried and had lifted his hand to his headset to call Jennifer and Carson when the door opened and Mr. Woolsey stepped inside.

"Doctor McKay, could I see you a moment, please?"

"Uh, sure." He turned back to John and hesitantly gave his arm a quick squeeze. "I, uh, I'll be back soon."

"'Kay." John's voice hadn't changed. Whether he appreciated the visit or not was undetectable from his tone.

As Rodney left Chuck came in. He was grinning so wide that Sheppard saw right through his façade of cheerfulness but didn't call him on it. "Hey, Colonel. Thought I'd come in and keep you company. Do ya mind?"

"Not at all, Sarge. Though it's about as exciting as…" he laughed ironically, "…watching plants grow."

Snorting in amusement, Chuck pulled the chair up close to the bed. "We're gettin' a jam session together next week. Kinda hoping you'd bring your guitar and join us for a couplea songs or even a full set."

"What's the occasion?"

"Just a little fun while the Wraith are being quiet. We can celebrate you being cured of whatever _that_ is." Chuck nodded toward his superior's injured area then looked down at his hands. He brought his gaze back to John's face. "You know, I was passing your quarters the other night and heard you playing _Bridge over Troubled Water_. You've got a decent voice, sir. Think you could play it for us?"

John shrugged his right shoulder. "Sure. Me and my long green buddy will be there. I just wish the flowers weren't so…_pink_." He gestured over his shoulder. "Don't bother with a chair though."

"Sheppard, the Ghoul and his Screamin' Guitar? Looking forward to it, sir." Chuck leaned back in his chair and tried to look relaxed.

John's eyebrows came together in puzzlement. "Ghoul? The hell is that?"

The Canadian winced and thought about it for a second before replying. "Uh, you ever play the _Fallout_ games?"

John shrugged. "No."

Chuck decided to be subtle. "Well sir, one of the characters, Harold, had something kinda like you've got now."

John snorted in half amusement. "He had a bouquet growing out his ass?"

"Not exactly. An apple tree growing out his head." Chuck didn't add that in the latest installment, Harold had basically become an entire _garden_. Seeing John shake his head in disbelief, Chuck quickly changed the subject. "May I ask a question, sir?"

"Hit me."

"How'd you get injured…there?" The Gate tech asked pointing.

"Oh, well that's a long and _weird_ story. But since you ask…"

* * * * *

"Any word from Lorne and his team?" was the first thing out of Rodney's mouth once the door closed.

"Yes. They've just returned." Woolsey gestured and Rodney followed him. "They're waiting for us in the main conference room. I've only heard part of the story and already don't like it."

"Oh?"

"Gerald Parrish was taken hostage."

Rodney rolled his eyes. "No big loss there. The man is arrogant, condescending, obsessive about his work and…Oh, ha-ha!" Woolsey had given him a pointed look augmented by an eyebrow lift.

"It seems that the plant life is sentient." The physicist didn't seem to be shocked to hear the news. "But I didn't call you out here to have a verbal sparring match, Doctor. After the debriefing, I will be going to M53-DF6 to negotiate the release of Doctor Parrish. With Colonel Sheppard in the Infirmary, I need someone to be in charge while I'm gone and you're elected."

Rodney brought Woolsey to a stop with a hand on his arm. "I, uh, I'll go. I don't like Parrish and it's definitely mutual but um…" Rodney motioned slightly with his head towards the door behind. "Maybe I can convince them to give us the cure or whatever before he turns into…"

"You understand that I would never ask you to do this."

"You're not asking. I'm volunteering."

"A day that will go down in history, no doubt." They arrived at the conference room putting an end to their conversation.

**Thirty Minutes Later**

Lorne, Rodney, Dusty, Stackhouse and Nash stood before the vines, bushes and trees surrounding the Stargate. Rodney stepped forward, rubbed his hands together nervously and said, "I'm Doctor Rodney McKay and I've come to negotiate the release of Doctor Gerald Parrish." He glanced over his shoulder and the soldiers gave him bemused smiles of encouragement. A heavy sigh whooshed out and he mumbled, "I can't believe I'm going to say this." He raised his voice. "Take me…to your leader."

Lorne came to stand next to him, nervously gripping his weapon in both hands, his eyes constantly scanning the surrounding jungle, at least what they could see of it. "Now what?"

"We wait." Rodney began pacing in front of the DHD and tapping his fingers against his thigh anxiously. He was on his third lap when he heard Dusty's shout.

"Sir! Doctor McKay! Look!"

There in front of them appeared a path. It was clear they were to follow it to get the answers they sought. Lorne took point but was stopped by what looked like the same vine he'd encountered on their last trip. It reached out and poked him in the chest pushing him back.

Rodney snorted. "Guess I go first. Just don't get too far behind." He stepped onto the path and the light began to disappear, filtered by the overhanging branches and vines that now seemed to be watching him.

"Hey!" Lorne shouted when the path closed behind the physicist keeping the soldiers from following. He clicked his radio. "Lorne to McKay. They won't let us through. You're on your own."

"_Oh, that's just perfect…again_." Resignation colored his voice. "_I'll radio when I'm on the way back…with or without Parrish_."

"Copy that. Good luck, Doc." Rodney didn't answer, just kept walking the path as it opened before then closed behind him.

**Two Hours Later**

The four soldiers were sitting and standing in various poses of boredom when Stackhouse, who was patrolling the very small perimeter, noticed a change. "Major!"

Lorne and the others came to their feet and turned in the direction the Lieutenant was pointing. The vines and bushes were pulling apart. The path reappeared and later Rodney emerged with Gerald Parrish who looked quite annoyed. He was carrying a small shrub in one of his extra large specimen bags. The plant spread out from a main central stem, had deep green leaves approximately ten centimeters long and a bright white flower with a purple center that resembled a hibiscus fifteen centimeters across and a red pistil. When they got close, the flower turned toward Lorne seeming to recognize him as the leader.

"Um, what's _that_?" The Major looked at the plant with misgiving.

Rodney rolled his eyes and pursed his lips in irritation though he tried to keep his voice neutral as he made introductions. "Major, this is Phyllas. Phyllas, this is Major Evan Lorne, second in command of the military on Atlantis."

"Phyllas? It has a _name_?" The military man couldn't have been more shocked if McKay had stripped naked and declared himself king of the fairies.

Parrish interrupted when Rodney opened his mouth. "It doesn't just have a _name_, Major." He caught the eye of each of his companions. "This is one of their _doctors_."

**TBC**


	9. Ass

**A/N:** This chapter is longer than the others but it's also the last one and LoneRanger, who Beta-ed, insisted on nothing less than a 10 for the climactic ending.

LoneRanger also pointed out the other day what word the name _Phyllas_ looks like and may he reside forever in The City of Dis (Google it) for the vision he put in my head with one of his comments! FYI - Phyllas is actually named after my cousin Phyllis though in here she's Parrish's sister. My Phyllis is Italian (dad), Irish, French and Native American (mom-my aunt.)

**Note from Ranger:** Y'all should know I hounded **IceMenace** mercilessly about this last chapter. Just like Michael Bay, "I DEMAND AWESOME!" She has since banished me to some unimaginable Lovecraftian horror. :-P

**Chapter 9**

**ASS**

"Phyllas is actually a _she_ and wishes to examine Colonel Sheppard's wound in, uh, person or… plant to person. I named her after my sister, Phyllis." Parrish bore the stifled laughter with stoicism. "They're all actually quite impressed that he wasn't killed immediately as was the intention."

"_Excuse _me?" Lorne was incredulous. _How can one man be so lucky as __**not**__ to die as many times as he's been wounded?_

Rodney went to the DHD and dialed. "It's a long story, Major. We'll tell it to everyone at once so we don't have to repeat ourselves. I do that enough with _my_ people." The wormhole engaged and they entered with Lorne on their six. He gave one last look at the jungle, shuddered then followed the others through.

* * * * *

John blinked when the bright lights of the isolation room came on. Rodney came to stand next to him with Phyllas now in a large pot they'd obtained from the Botany department. They'd all felt shock and horror from her when she saw so many of her "brethren" being treated like pets until Parrish had explained that on most planets the fauna were not sentient.

Phyllas didn't like it but she understood.

Rodney made certain not to take her near the Mess Hall were someone was sure to be eating some sort of vegetable. He didn't think he could take whatever emotion Phyllas might produce at the sight of what she would consider "people" being murdered and consumed.

Jennifer and Carson had been briefed and a table had been set up near the bed. Rodney set Phyllas gently on the table and turned her so they could see each other. "Phyllas, this is your patient, Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard. John, Phyllas is one of their doctors."

"Um, please to meet you." John gave Rodney a rather confused look and Rodney simply shrugged and gave him a 'Just go with it' shrug of his shoulders. John extended his hand but she just looked at it then at him. "Sorry. Humans greet each other by shaking hands…No, that's okay…yes, I'm sure…Ha-ha! Yes, exactly!"

Jennifer leaned toward Rodney. "Wonder what she said that was so funny. I…" Phyllas turned toward her. The feeling Jennifer got was that the plant was annoyed.

This feeling was verified when John said, "Sorry, Doc. She wants you and Rodney to leave so she can examine me in private."

"But…" Jennifer started to protest but stopped at the look on John's face. "Okay. Call if you need anything." A warm feeling slipped into her head and it made her smile.

Outside, Rodney said, "You felt it too? It's weird but you get used to it. It's kinda like when Cadman was in my head, without her actually _being_ in my head. Phyllas 'talked' a blue streak as we walked back to the Stargate. Wanted to know _everything_ about, well, _everything_."

"I can imagine." They made their way up to the observation area and stood with Carson quietly watching the scene below.

* * * * *

"So how do we do this?" John asked when they were alone. He knew they were being observed but didn't tell Phyllas though he wouldn't be surprised if she also knew.

"_First,_ _I must…expand for the examination. I have talked extensively with the one called Doctorgeraldparrish and I believe your people would say 'hold onto your hat!'_" Phyllas seemed to be gathering her strength, pulling it out of the air and absorbing it into herself.

Suddenly leafless vines burst out of the dirt surrounding her roots. Two long strands dropped to the sides, pushing down on the table as she lifted herself out of the pot, shaking a few of the roots and flinging dirt all over. More of the new vines extended themselves over and through the bedrails to touch him delicately all over his body while others entwined themselves around the thick stem coming directly out of his backside. Still others touched the longer ones that had the blooms and thorns.

John wiped the dark brown specks from his face and watched the vines wave in the air. Other than being utterly terrified that he was now surrounded by a sentient plant, it was turning out to be a relatively normal day. An intense feeling of freedom and liberation washed through his brain. "Whoa!"

"_Aaahhh. That is __**much**__ better! It is…unpleasant to be…constricted. Have I frightened you, Lieutenantcoloneljohnsheppard?_"

He snickered at the use of his full rank and name. "'Lieutenant Colonel' is my rank, uh, it's a military title. 'John Sheppard' is my name, but you can call me John. And no, you didn't scare me. I was just…startled."

"_Yes. I see the difference. Do not worry, John. I cannot read your mind. I must 'see' the meaning __**as**__ you speak in order to comprehend. And it only occurs when you are speaking._" Phyllas laughed in his mind as well as with the snow white petals surrounding what he thought of as her face. "_Even if I were able to see your deepest, darkest secrets I would not repeat them to another. My people would not understand and yours do not need to know._"

"Doctor/patient confidentiality? Well, _that's_ a relief." John furrowed his brow as he realized what he'd just said. "Not that I have anything to hide mind you."

"_Of course." _

Phyllas extended several vines and began her examination. Before touching him, she said, "_This will not hurt._"

John felt the humor in her "voice" and smiled himself. Moments later he began to feel odd, dizzy with a buzzing inside his head that seemed to flow along his nerves until his entire body felt like it was vibrating. As she'd promised, it wasn't painful but it wasn't exactly pleasant either.

Behind him, the vines and blooms began to shrink in upon themselves until there was no more than three meters remaining. The vibrations receded and he opened his eyes again.

"Oh, _man_! _That_ was _weird_!"

"_For me as well. You and your people are the first humans to visit the planet you call M53-DF6 in many, many years._" She sagged and John could feel her fatigue. He reached out to gently stroke the larger strands of green closest to him. Thin bright green tendrils with small oval-shaped leaves wrapped around his wrist. "_I have done what I can. You will need to come to Phyto to complete the extraction. Soon, you will be well again."_

John pushed a hand through his hair. "Thanks. I'm sick of having _that_ comin' outta my ass." He laughed when Phyllas rose up so she could look at his bare backside. "Hey, what about the…one who bit me?"

This time he sensed that if Phyllas were human she would be rolling on the floor laughing. "_Poncirus is female. She took exception to you excreting on her and sought to kill you, not knowing to take into account your species' vastly dissimilar physiology and much larger mass. She thought she was aiming for your genitalia._" John raised his eyebrows in shock and horror as Phyllas again gave him the equivalent of a guffaw."_Fortunately for you she is…_" one strand of vine with three leaves on the end came up to rub thoughtfully at the lower part of her "face" as she saw what John was thinking, "…_not the sharpest…knife in the…drawer._" John smiled at the use of a human idiom by a non-human then she asked, "_John, what is a knife? What is a drawer? And what is a hat?_"

She said it with such seriousness that John laughed out loud.

* * * * *

"_Docs, McKay! I know you're up there watching. Phyllas would like a consult_." John's voice came over the intercom interrupting Carson and Jennifer's whispered discussion about what they'd just witnessed.

Moments later the three observers arrived. Phyllas turned to face them and they sensed her greeting. "_You wish to know why he was not killed by the poison. Here is the answer…_" The vines she used as hands reached over and brought the computer workstation out of power-saver mode. A few taps on the keys and John's medical file was on the screen. Next she brought up his most recent blood tests.

Carson, Jennifer and Rodney stared as Phyllas used the computer as well as any human.

"But how…" Rodney was shushed by his companions. Jennifer and Carson ignored the fact that a sentient plant was able to use the computer and concentrated instead on what she was saying.

"…_see these markers on John's DNA_?" She pointed to several areas on the double helix slowly turning on the screen that was a visual representation of John Sheppard. There were red and yellow markers that had black specks on them. It was these Phyllas was pointing to. "_It is this that kept the poison from killing him_." She turned toward Rodney. "_John was kind enough to instruct me in the use of this…device, Doctor McKay."_

Jennifer and Carson leaned forward. Carson extended a finger to the areas indicated. "Those markers were left when you were infected with the retrovirus…"

"Yeah, yeah. I remember." John was only partially relieved by the recent events. "Oh, uh, FYI - I need to return to the planet. _She _wants to go home." He pointed at the now much smaller vine growing out of his backside.

"I'm going, too!" Rodney, Carson and Jennifer exclaimed in unison.

"No, Rodney!" Jennifer continued alone with a hand on his arm. "You're staying behind this time."

"Um, why?"

Carson gave him a stern look. "I'm afraid she's right, Rodney. The plant that injured Colonel Sheppard had citrus in it."

"_What_?!" He turned to Jennifer, his anger and fear showing on his face. "And you let me _go_? I could have _died_!"

Jennifer answered him in kind. "Well, you _left_ before I could _tell_ you!"

"You might have _called_!" He turned his back on her and she stalked around in front of him.

"I _did_ but you'd already gone into the jungle and it was _too late_!" She crossed her arms and glared at the man she loved more than anything though at the moment she'd gladly have exchanged him for a ferret. An ugly, mangy, blind-in-one-eye, three legged ferret.

"I _had_ a _radio_!"

"You were _in_ the _jungle_!"

"_Hey_!" The arguing couple turned to face John. "Can we _please_ focus on the patient here?"

"Oh, sorry." Jennifer glared at Rodney one more time and then deflated sweetly. "It was sweet that you went though."

Rodney drew back, obviously debating risk versus reward of braving citrus plants for his best friend in order to score points with his girlfriend. All those old high school textbooks came back to haunt him with ratios and percentages.

Jennifer merely gave him a rub on the shoulder then returned her attention to Phyllas. "Please continue."

The plant doctor touched a few more keys and another DNA helix appeared. Both doctors could tell that it was not human or even animal given the much larger genome and pairs. Obviously it was a plant, but there were specific splices that didn't look correct. "_This is the DNA from the seedling. See here, here and here? They are from the male parent. In this case, John._"

Carson turned to John. "Congratulations, Colonel. It's a girl!"

Rodney rocked back and forth on his toes, his deep inner humor showing externally. "We should have a baby shower. This is too much, Sheppard."

"Cut it out, McKay! I'm _not_ its mother!"

"But she just said…"

Phyllas interrupted the discussion between the men with _"John, I should inform you that, in my world, the __**male**__ is the one that gestates the offspring_._ According to your own physiology, that makes __**you**__ the 'mother'._"

The exasperated Colonel sagged back to the bed and rubbed a hand over his face. "But I…I don't… _Son of a_…"

"And Jennifer and I are aunt and uncle to a vine. Can we get a photo of you and the 'baby' for our wallets and a 5x7 for my desk?" The physicist was merciless as Sheppard would have been had their situations been reversed.

Jennifer tried to keep her face neutral but a big grin spread so fast she was unable to stop it. "So, _mom_, have you chosen a name yet?"

John was uncomfortable with being referred to as a parent but refused to show it. He tried to think of a good name for a girl but the only one that came to mind reminded him too much of a friend that was more than likely gone forever. To him, the pink blooms looked like small lilies so… "How about…Lily?"

The men snorted but Jennifer gave them a glare then smiled at the Colonel. "That's a _beautiful_ name, John."

"_I too think is a beautiful name_." She smiled. "_I have a question._"

"Shoot." When Phyllas didn't seem to comprehend he explained, "It means go ahead and ask."

"_I have examined much information within your storage device but would like confirmation because it does not seem…plausible." _She paused as if trying to decide how to phrase her question. _"How do animals reproduce_?"

"A-All animals or just, uh, humans?" John was startled when Rodney, Jennifer and Carson snickered then stopped so they could hear his answer.

"_Is there a difference_?"

John gulped. "Yeah." He cleared his throat knowing what was coming but was at a loss as to how to prevent it. "Different animals do it in different ways. What, uh, animals were you curious about?" _Sotto voce_ he said, "As if I didn't know."

"_Humans._"

"Um…" He glanced at his companions but they just watched him with undisguised humor, especially McKay, "…well, you said you can see the meaning in my head when I talk about something. What if I just _think_ it?"

"_That would work but it would be easier if you just told me then I could associate the words with the mental image you project."_

"Okay. I heard yes." John closed his eyes and thought about the basics of sex between a man and a woman. He started with kissing and went on from there. He'd just gotten to the end of foreplay and was about to go for the home run when the quiet of isolation was shattered. The alarms on the vital signs monitor blared through the room as John's pulse, temperature and blood pressure all shot up to dangerously high levels and he began perspiring.

Jennifer rushed to him, taking his face in her hand and giving him a shake. "John! John, whatever you're doing, stop it now!" His eyes were closed and his right hand gripped her forearm tightly but not painfully. She turned to look at the monitor but all his vitals stayed well above normal though the alarms had been shut off. Carson joined her, reaching through the bars to grip John's left wrist.

Rodney couldn't have helped if he'd wanted to because he knew what was happening and was laughing so hard he couldn't breathe. He'd fallen into the chair and was bent over, arms around his stomach and his eyes streaming.

Carson looked at the monitor then at Jennifer's hands still touching John's face. "Uh, Jennifer, love, would ya step away, please?"

"Why?" Her face showed concern for her friend who was also her patient but did as Carson requested. Seconds later, John's vitals slowly began to drop until they blessedly returned to normal. She finally realized why Carson asked her to move and fought the rush of embarrassment though it was too late for the Colonel.

Jennifer was standing next to Phyllas who had watched the events of the last few minutes with intense curiosity and confusion. The human doctor turned when she felt a light touch on her hand to see Phyllas watching her. "_Does this happen to all humans when they…reproduce_?"

"Yes. Though we don't always engage in sex purely for the purpose of procreation. We also do it for pleasure."

She was still confused. "_It does not seem to be_ _enjoyable_."

"Trust me. It's _very_ enjoyable when done with the right person." Jennifer couldn't help it. She glanced at Rodney and blushed lightly.

"_Ah. I understand now. You and Doctor McKay are mated_."

With pride, the medical doctor said, "Yes. Very much so."

Carson quickly helped John recover from the sudden event and helped him over to the bathroom to freshen up for his trip to Phyto. Carson was quite subtle in pulling out a spare set of scrubs for him from a nearby cabinet, the pants in size XXXL to give him plenty of room for…Lily, pretending to have just gotten him a towel. He helped the Colonel change then kept a hand on his arm when he appeared to be a bit unsteady on his feet.

Rodney hadn't heard Jennifer's explanation or declaration. He'd gone to the same cabinet earlier and taken out a towel to wipe his eyes and face clear of the tears of laughter. When he turned back, Phyllas, Jennifer, Carson and John were all watching him. "What?"

* * * * *

The vine that had been attached to John's backside, Lily, had finally removed herself and returned to her "father." Carson, Jennifer and Phyllas examined the Colonel, pronouncing him not permanently scarred. What _was_ still there would eventually fade.

Unbeknownst to them, Lily was already sharing all that she'd learned while on Atlantis and was boasting to any that would listen that her "mother" was a person of great importance in the city of the Ancestors, how many friends he had, how strong, physically and mentally, and intelligent he was and that he was such a fierce fighter that all trembled before him. She didn't know all of this for a fact but, well, she _was_ bragging.

Meanwhile, the Colonel had donned the uniform pants and shirt they'd brought with them to replace the scrubs and he too was boasting about his "child." He went on and on _ad nauseum_ about how she was so _beautiful_ that the male vines would be lining up at her door, when she "grows up" she'll be the Phytoan equivalent of Rodney McKay only not as annoying, obnoxious or condescending and will eventually become the Queen of Phyto. It was the only way he could think of to keep the embarrassment down. Besides, it wouldn't be the first humiliation he'd had to sidestep since arriving in Pegasus and he was actually getting good at it.

His companions rolled their eyes and tried to ignore him, which wasn't easy though they knew he was doing it for the annoyance factor. A few minutes later his ranting ended when they found themselves facing the mouth of a large cave.

Phyllas had introduced them to their leader, Ionantha. She wanted the humans to see something within the cave so…here they were. John vaguely remembered another time he'd gone into a dark, dank, smelly cave. He'd been alone that time and was immensely glad he didn't have to go it alone this time but didn't know why. His memories of that time were almost non-existent but he had the vague feeling that it had something to do with the Wraith.

Dusty and Nash were left to guard the exit as the others entered. One by one they flicked on their flashlights aiming them curiously at the walls and ceiling. The only thing they could see was rock, more rock and dirt…lots of it. In the distance was the drip, drip, drip of water. The deeper they went the colder it got.

Farther in they found a large cavern that had stalagmites and stalactites in many sizes and shapes and various shades of brown from creamy white to rich dark sepia. Some even sparkled with bits of crystal when their lights hit them. Spectacular though it was, it wasn't the reason they were asked to come here.

"Hey!" Kiang exclaimed, her voice echoing in the immense cavern. "Look!" The astrobiologist was pointing to drawings on the walls.

John immediately recognized the illustrations. He'd seen similar ones on the walls of the old city on Athos when he'd first met Teyla. They showed Wraith Hive ships hovering over cities and culling the residents. Farther along they came to some that indicated the entire human population had been culled. It was also evident that these final drawings were done by the plants.

According to their history, millennia ago humans and plants co-existed peacefully here. Once the last of the humans had been taken by the Wraith, they renamed the planet Phyto and set about creating a society of their own. Several hundred years ago a faction emerged that wished to increase their technological knowledge by studying the devices left behind by the humans but they had so far been unsuccessful.

Lily had watched and learned while on Atlantis, taking in everything around her. At this very moment she was instructing others in the use of the technology stored and maintained deep below the surface for thousands of years. Rodney wouldn't be surprised to find out that the non-localized energy signatures were the Phytoans attempts to power up these devices nor would he be surprise to find that they were of Ancient design.

John promised that Atlantis would provide scientists and technicians to help them get the computers and other devices running. There would also be an exchange program where the humans would be allowed to come and study the plant life while Phytoan scientists would come to Atlantis to study the humans.

Phyllas insisted on escorting the group back to the Stargate when she sensed they were ready to leave. "_John, this has been an experience I shall not soon forget_."

John had carried her so she wouldn't have to walk the entire way. He set her on the ground then crouched down to speak to her, a hand going to his still very sore backside. "Me either."

"_You have said that your people shake…hands as a greeting. What is the gesture used for departure_?"

"We shake hands then, too. Sometimes we hug or…kiss. It all depends on the relationship between the people." The Colonel felt her confusion and gave her a lopsided grin remembering the last time he'd had to explain kissing. He could still see, hear, feel, smell and taste E'llya's responses to his tutelage. Phyllas was still confused by his explanation so he just reached out with his right hand and she wrapped a thin tendril around his wrist giving it a light squeeze.

"_I am honored to count you as a friend, John Sheppard, and hope to see you again soon_."

"Me too, Phyllas."

"_There is just one more request that __Ionantha, the council and nearly every other of my people are hoping you will grant_." She seemed hesitant.

"Name it."

"_When next you visit, please do not bring Doctorgeraldparrish. We found him to be quite…aggravating._" She giggled and he laughed along with her.

At John's nod, Lorne began the dialing sequence but stopped when a shriek split the air. "STOP!" He and the other soldiers immediately surrounded the unarmed doctors and still injured Sheppard.

Out of the jungle came the vine that had once been a part of John's backside. He stepped out of the protective circle and bright green tendrils shot out, surrounded his torso. "_My Mother, I require a…hug before you depart!"_

The soldiers were smart enough to keep their expressions of humor silent and John bore the snickers from Kiang, Carson and Jennifer with barely concealed irritation. He was uneasy with being called "mother" but he would be just as uncomfortable with being called "father" and not just because Lily was a talking plant that happened to have a little of his DNA. He would have been ill at ease under any circumstances and was seriously considering having his children, his _human_ children, should he ever decide to have them, call him John. _Plenty of time for that later…muuuch later_!

"Uh, okay." Ever mindful of his sore backside, he carefully knelt and awkwardly wrapped both arms around as many of her stems as he could.

"_I am going to miss you, Mother._" One shoot with a tiny pink blossom on the end came up to brush across his cheek leaving behind a small amount of fine powder.

"Yeah, me too."

"_We must spend time together when next you visit._"

"We will." Lily withdrew and pulled back to stand alongside Phyllas. When John turned around his companions caught a glimpse of sadness in his eyes. It disappeared when he realized they were watching him. He scowled and went to the DHD. "Let's get out of here."

Once they were gone, Lily turned to Phyllas and said, "_When I am fully mature, I wish to be just like him_."

**Two Days Later**

John pulled the chair out, placed a foam donut in the seat and carefully sat down across from Ronon who'd watched his somewhat painful trek across the room. He tried to steer the conversation in another direction hoping to avoid the usual probing questions. _Yeah, like that's gonna happen._ "How was the trip? Find what you're lookin' for?"

The Satedan shrugged his massive shoulders and took a huge bite of his first sandwich. "No."

John knew that was all that would be said on the subject so he didn't pursue it. He picked up his sandwich, without lettuce and tomato, and took a bite.

They ate in silence for a few minutes then Ronon commented, almost offhandedly, "Heard _you_ had some excitement."

He shrugged, trying to appear unconcerned about the whole incident. "Nothin' unusual."

"Not what _I_ heard." Ronon's lips quirked up just a tad, as if he knew more than he was letting on.

John recognized the look in his taciturn friend's eyes. With a sigh of resignation he said, "Well, you heard right." After a long drink of his iced tea, he began to tell his tale. "It all started with a wart on my ass…"

**End**

**A/N: **If you haven't gotten the ultimate joke of this story, go back to the dropdown box then read the chapter titles in order. Once you've done that, should I say it? You'll laugh your _**ass**_ off!

This is another shameless self-promotion by the author. Read _I Now Pronounce You…Uh_ for more on E'llya.


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